Prisoners of Azkaban: The Diaries

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28 August 2009

[Hermione Snape’s diary]

Tonight I can write without Severus holding me in his arms. Tonight I can write without Severus whispering each word to me.

Tonight I can write without Draco embracing and kissing both of us.

This evening, Schroedinger is enough.

The kitten is on my lap right now, kneading my thighs, purring his spots off. In just twelve days he has grown in size, substance, and personality. He’ll be a formidable Kneazle one day.


—I almost collapsed after the torture of last night’s entry. When Severus took the book from my hands and Draco put the blood-quill away, I was barely aware. When Draco pulled me into his embrace, I was floating. Only when Severus entered me, only when his rhythmic strokes pushed me deeper and deeper into Draco’s arms, I felt heavy again. I was here. I was human once more.

Afterwards I lay in languid lassitude and watched Draco making love to Severus.

Severus needs to be held, too.

And I…I cannot be his anchor in this turmoil, because I am here and there. I tear his heart apart between what is, and what should have been.


…”Hogwarts, A Revised History” lies on the table before me.

I cannot read it.

The blurb promises to reveal the true history of this renowned institution of magical education, from Salazar Slytherin to Voldemort Lord Protector of Magic. The table of contents shows that it is not the book I remember, not even in a revised version. The chapters about Dumbledore and Harry are missing.

Oh, Merlin, how I miss Harry.

During the last years in Azkaban, I often felt very quiet. Not “at peace”. Never that. But inside, I was calm. They were all there with me, in a way. Each name in its square.

Now I feel as if I’ve lost them all over again.

To have Severus and Draco and Minerva back—

It’s agony.

Seized by a whirlwind, I am tossed about by the storm like a leaf. At the best of times, I am a kite flung up into the sky. At the worst, I lock myself up in the pantry, or in the loo. I try to think of the quiet within me. And I count and count and count. Tiles, floorboards, Severus’ Charmed soup tins, diary pages, days, hours, heartbeats.


…This morning something strange happened.

I came down to breakfast to find Severus alone with Draco’s subscription of the Prophet. Draco, he told me, had gone for a walk. I stepped outside to look for Draco. At last I spied him at the lakeshore. But he was not alone. Next to him stood a woman I recognised instantly: Amrita Agan! When Severus and I told him about our encounters with Agan and the Patils’ warning, he insisted that she only introduced herself as a distant neighbour for politeness’ sake, nothing more.

Somehow I doubt that.

They left at noon. Draco Apparated home, I think. And Severus is making preparations for—


One, two, three days.

Until

the

end.

6 Responses to Prisoners of Azkaban: The Diaries

  1. LKDH says:

    Well! I must say I’m impressed by this development. As unlikely as these things are to occur, this kind of upsprung friendship where there was only the opposite before can and does happen. You portrayed it quite nicely, and I’m also glad it’s a positive plot point. Good things happen even to people who are depressed and have gone through the mill. I hope this means there’s some hope!

  2. LKDH says:

    Too bad the picture at the top of the chapter gave it away. Seeing Maggie Smith as McGonagall in the (admittedly nicely-done) artwork at the top took all the dramatic force away from the end of the chapter. Still a positive development, though, even if it wasn’t a surprise. I’m glad for Hermione, and by extension, for Severus.

  3. LKDH says:

    Ah, Christ, I can feel you sharpening your knives for another gloom-fest. Only five more chapters left, and already I can feel you poking holes in whatever limited happiness or security they’ve found.

  4. LKDH says:

    Amazing! A happy ending! I love it! See–hope isn’t so bad, is it? It does seem a trifle sudden, your ending. And we never did find out about the mystery woman. But I feel able to let our Hermione and Severus go, knowing that whatever further vicissitudes they face, they have each other on a more solid, saner basis. Thank you for your writing, and thank you for the hope you left our favorite couple (and us!) with.

  5. LKDH says:

    I had wanted to delete the third review I left (“Ah, Christ…”), but I’ve been having problems with my computer, and it didn’t allow me to send my reasons back to you, so it (the deletion) could be done. I had read “Apprentice & Necromancer” first, and was deeply disturbed by how damaged so many of the characters had been at the end of that fic. I was therefore afraid that any positives that were about to jell in this story were all going to fall apart, instead. Once I came to the end of this and found it wasn’t going to end badly for them (yay!), I was sorry I’d been so negative in that third review. So I ask your pardon, and that you disregard that one. You really are quite a special writer, and even though I hated the fact my fictional friends suffered so badly by the finish of “A&N”, I must say your plotting is excellent, and so are your characterizations. I will come back to read more of your writing. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us!

    • JunoMagic says:

      Nice to see that you’re still reading!

      One thing puzzles me: You must surely be aware that the characters in “Prisoners” are much, much more damaged than those in “Apprentice”.

      Of course “Apprentice” leaves key-characters badly damaged … they have been to Death and back, after all. But that story has an ending that assures readers that yes, everything will be just fine one day, this is something we can cope with, eventually.

      While in “Prisoners” the challenge of the plot is met, and superficially the characters and readers are rewarded with a fairly straightforward “happy ending”, the story is really much, much worse if you take a moment to think about it. There is no way back, no matter how much they heal. Hermione will for the rest of her life live under the compulsion of counting things. Severus will in times of crisis always drift off to his parallel world. They will always remain unable to live in an emotionally stable fashion without Draco anchoring them …

      I don’t mind at all that you dislike or even “hate” the dark turns and twists of my story/stories. Some people like sweet milk chocolate, others like bitter dark chocolate, it’s as simple as that – different tastes and preferences.

      Anyway, from your remarks I gather that you might be interested in hearing a bit about my motivation concerning my stories, so here are a few comments about that:

      What I loathe in many fanfiction stories in various fandoms is how authors make light of consequences. People are tortured, traumatised, injured … and there are no consequences. Everyone is right as rain again in one and the same chapter. Personally, I find that not only ridiculous and boring, but somewhat despicable. It doesn’t work like that. As a reader, and therefore also as a writer, I’m simply not interested in fluffy lies, I’m in it for the hard-won happy ending, like the one I wrote for “Apprentice” … I prefer characters who have looked, heck, *jumped into* the abyss of despair and have crawled out of it again and persevered. I am interested in how characters will act when they are pushed far beyond their limits, and how that will change them, and how they will move on from there.

      So if you’re looking for fluff, you will rarely find that kind of thing in my stories. But I do try to come up with interesting, twisty plots, and heroes who find the strength to go on no matter what.

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