IX. And what about me? Sex is always personal!
Sex is one of the most intimate situations of human existence.
The importance and meaning of sex in the personal lives of writers and readers varies considerably. It is also not necessarily reflected by their writing or their reading habits.
Sex, even in fiction, is more complex than that.
Sex can be something private and precious and meaningful. Or sex is fun, but not a big deal. It can be the source of nightmares just as easily as the source of wet dreams.
Concerning sex, there’s no Switzerland. There’s nearly no one neutral or indifferent to sex. (Not even self-proclaimed asexuals.)
1. Sex scenes and their readers
For the writer that means they can do everything right-really everything, including the dratted balance issue mentioned above—and along will come reader X and start screaming bloody murder about the very same sex scene that reader Y loves dearly and uses as fuel for his or her night-time fantasies or that reader Z simply doesn’t pay attention to because he or she wants to know what happens next.
E gustibus non est disputandum. There’s no arguing about taste.
And with something so intensely intimate and personal as sex, only one thing is virtually guaranteed when you write a sex scene: Someone, somewhere, will absolutely hate that scene.
2. Sex scenes and their authors
As writers, our experiences, our beliefs and convictions, our worldview, will always influence what we write. This is also true for sex scenes. But conversely, what we write is not a mirror of our experiences, our beliefs, or our worldview.
We may write about cruel murder, but in real life writers rarely resort to such methods. Slash writers are not gay. And if we write about virgins or prostitutes, that doesn’t mean we’re either.
Safer sex scenes in fan fiction
I’m mentioning this truism mainly because in fan fiction, where self-insertion always has been a sub-genre, the boundaries between readers, writers, story and world or community sometimes blur. And in fan fiction, writers have a pretty good chance to actually ‘hear’ reader X mentioned above…when X explodes right into their face in a comment about how the writer’s sex scene has defiled the wonderful characters (insert names of choice).
Such comments are never a nice experience. But they can be ten times worse for a writer who put something really personal into a sex scene. And if it’s only how she prefers to have her shoulders kissed.
Caution is advisable. Beta-reading of sex scenes even more.
The writer’s own attitude to sex
I keep hearing from writers who tell me how horribly uncomfortable writing sex scenes makes them.
My first reaction is always: ‘If you don’t want to write sex scenes, then don’t.’
Many fine stories—even romance stories—out there don’t contain a single sex scene, or at the most very subtle hints at sex taking place between chapters and during scene breaks. There’s nothing wrong with that. And while it’s part and parcel of writing to have hard, difficult scenes to write, I think it’s not a good idea to write something you really don’t want to write.
It certainly doesn’t bode well for the quality of the eventual result. At the very least, you should be aware of the fact that writing often betrays both the inexperience and the insecurities of the author. Not just where writing techniques are concerned, but also where the topic itself is concerned. This can lead to inconsistencies in style and tone, scenes that don’t quite fit the rest of the story.
So if you really want to write sex scenes, if you believe your story really needs those sex scenes, and you’re still feeling horribly uncomfortable about writing those dratted sex scenes, there are two questions you might want to think of:
- Does writing sex scenes make you uncomfortable for technical reasons? If you just feel you don’t know how to write good sex scenes, if you mainly lack experience, then there’s lots you can do about that.
Slogging through this essay is a good start. 😉 You might also follow up on some of our reading recommendations, maybe even buy that very good book about writing sex that we linked to.
You can also practice writing sex scenes. If you’re writing fanfic that’s really easy. There are challenges for writing adult stories for basically all fandom’s if you look around for a bit. And of course there’s the yearly SMUT workshop here at ‘There and Back Again’.
- If you’ve read up on tips and techniques and written a few sex scenes, and you’re still feeling horribly uncomfortable about the whole thing, but you still want to write sex scenes, because you feel that some stories really need them, then maybe it’s time to look a little deeper and think about what exactly bothers you so much.
Maybe it’s not really the writing that is the problem, but the topic.
Think about your experiences with sex, your attitude towards sex, and how that might influence how comfortable or uncomfortable you are with writing sex scenes. You can’t really write sex scenes without getting in touch with your own attitude towards sexuality, towards sexual fantasies, what is and what is not arousing…
If you explore that aspect of yourself as a person and a writer that may help you feeling more comfortable actually writing sex scenes.
And last but not least, let me repeat: ‘If you don’t want to write it—then don’t.’
Summing up:
- Sex is one of the most intimate situations in our lives. That fact influences how sex scenes are written and how they are read.
- There’s no arguing taste.
- If you are uncomfortable writing sex scenes, work on the technical stuff and think about what exactly makes writing sex scenes so uncomfortable for you.
Reading recommendations?
It’s been hard to find anything that fits the topic at all, which is kind of sad. Also, I haven’t read the titles I’ve discovered myself, so it can be crap… But, just as a starting point, to give you some ideas, I thought I’d include what I’ve unearthed nevertheless:
- ‘My Secret Garden’ by Nancy Friday
- ‘Exploring the Hidden Power of Female Sexuality’ by Maitreyi D. Piontek
- ‘Promiscuities: The Secret Struggle for Womanhood’ by Naomi Wolf
- ‘Bad Girls and Sick Boys’ by Linda S. Kauffman
- White Lotus East—Tantric Bliss (website)
If any of you know any of those books, comment and let us know what you think of them. If you have recommendations for the topic, please feel free to drop us a line as well!