PERUGINO, Pietro: Tobias with the Angel Raphael, 1500-05;
Oil and tempera on wood, 113,3 x 56,5 cm, National Gallery, London.
The Angel of Understanding
by Anselm Grün
Psychology tries to help suffering people by understanding them without judging, without condemning, no matter what they will say. If a person feels understood, she can express everything that is within her. Then she is not afraid any more, does not need to keep things secret any more. She feels that she is in good hands with this person. Someone who understands her and thus helps her to understand herself better.
A person who understands me without judging me or even condemning me has a healing and liberating effect on me. At last I can say what has bothered me for a long time, what I always kept back, because I was embarrassed about it, because it did not fit with my ethical convictions. And by talking about it openly it loses its venomous effect. Then I don’t need all of my energy any more to keep something unpleasant and unspeakable secret. It’s brought out of its hiding place into the light of day and thus it can be transformed.
The German word for “understanding†is “Verstehenâ€. It derives from “stehenâ€, standing. The prefix “ver†is connected with the Latin “proâ€, for, and “praeâ€, before, and “perâ€, through. Someone who understands me, stands by me, behind me, and shields me from the projections others throw at me. She stands by me, so that I can learn to stand up for myself. She stands by me so that I can stand up for myself more effectively, so that I may acquire firmer footing. And she will stand by me as I face my problems. She won’t lose her footing if she hears about my instability. By standing with me in my situation, she enables me to stand my life and to show strength. When an Angel of Understanding comes to visit me, then I will learn to stand more firmly, to find my standpoint, to stand up for myself. Gradually I acquire stability. I don’t lose my balance, because I don’t know what the matter is with me. I can stand up for myself, because someone understands me and stand by me with her understanding so that I may stand up to life.
We say about two friends that they understand each other perfectly. I don’t only long for someone who understands me, but I also long for a friend I understand. People, who understand each other without words, who don’t have misunderstandings all the time, are on good terms with each other. They stand together. And they respect each other’s standpoints. She does not have to conform to my standpoints. She may be the way she is. She may show her feelings. Understanding means that no one uses the other person for her own purposes, but they stand together, that they are on good terms with each other. But this will work only if everyone can stand for herself.
I can only understand a friend well, if I understand myself, if I have enough self-understanding. If I can only stand when someone stands by me, then I will grow dependant on her. And this goes against my dignity. To understand myself, I need the Angel of Understanding. He understands myself better than I do. He sees things in me that are hidden from my view or that I do not want to look at. He sees them without judging me. He sees and understands. This makes it possible for me to see myself how I am and to understand myself, to accept everything that is within me.
Understanding heals. In counselling I feel good if the other person feels understood. Then intimacy and intensity can develop. Then the other person can lift herself up. Her heart grows wide. Because she feels understood, she gains firm footing. She can can breathe freely. All fear of not being good enough, of not being allowed to be the way she is, is gone. She feels firm ground beneath her feet. Therefore I wish that you may meet many Angels of Understanding who give yourself new stability. And I wish that you may be an Angel of Understanding for others, too. You will experience how good it feels when someone tells you: “I feel that you really understand me. I enjoy ‘standing with you’. ‘Standing with you’ is a good thing. Because you stand behind me, judgements and condemnations by others or myself cannot hurt me. With you near me, I can stand up for myself.â€
© by Anselm Grün, 50 Engel für das Jahr, 1997;
translation by JunoMagic.
Song for December 18:
(Click pic!)
San Raffaele
by Hans-Jürgen Hufeisen,
album “Das Engelskonzert” (“Concert of Angels”)