{"id":10936,"date":"2014-01-30T09:31:01","date_gmt":"2014-01-30T08:31:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/?page_id=10936"},"modified":"2014-01-31T11:50:24","modified_gmt":"2014-01-31T10:50:24","slug":"icarus","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/junofanfic\/various-fandoms\/the-notebook\/icarus","title":{"rendered":"Icarus"},"content":{"rendered":"

Song for this chapter:<\/b> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Icarus\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Bastille)<\/a><\/p>\n

\"chapter<\/p>\n

Icarus<\/h3>\n

When they entered Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s flat, what Chris noticed first wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the dogs swarming them but a stack of moving boxes, each of them neatly labeled with a name he recognized from various sources. (Because fucking everybody<\/i> had felt it necessary and appropriate to point out to him that Zach was in a relationship again last fall. And<\/i> to provide pictures whenever any surfaced. As if he needed proof. As if being forced to consider the nature of his friendship with Zach all over again changed. A. Fucking<\/i>. Thing.) But damn, he should have paid more attention to what Zach had not<\/i> mentioned at the theater. Namely, the whereabouts of the current twink that evening.<\/p>\n

And he knew it was damn bad style how his stomach was doing fucking flip-flops with relief. He swallowed hard and tried to come up with a suitable comment in reaction to the obvious.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I … I thought you were happy,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Chris stuttered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I mean, I saw pictures of New Year\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s somewhere. You looked happy.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was happy,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach said, his voice expressionless. He closed the door with a decisive shove. When he turned around, Chris caught a glimmer of anger in his dark eyes. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You<\/i> looked like an actor in Paris.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

That was more than a little unfair, and a lot hurtful. But Zach was<\/i> hurting. That much was clear. And not just because of that boy, Chris realized with a start. That was new. So Zach had gotten an eyeful of the pictures from his trip with Iris, and he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t liked them. Chris really shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be that stunned and thrilled as a result. As if his whole universe had just tilted on its axis. Or worse, righted<\/i> itself.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I am an actor,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said softly. Then he attempted a crooked smile. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My publicist tells me that over on Just Jared they still believe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m gay.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

How Zach didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t snort now, that was new, too. Or was it?<\/p>\n

So far, Zach had always been uncharacteristically aggressive about that issue. Ready to get in the face of interviewers or fans at the drop of a fug hat, really. (\u00e2\u20ac\u0153… only good friends. Any suggestion otherwise has more to say about the person making the suggestion …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d) And Chris got it, sort of. Or he thought he did, anyway. Zach was just that protective. Of his friends. Of his family. Of helpless animals and various good causes. Even of seemingly sexually confused costars. But Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s behavior had always annoyed Chris, too. Almost hurt him, kind of. To be typecast like that without question or comment. Now he wondered if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d ever really understood Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s motivations.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153So, pizza.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach grabbed a menu from the sideboard and held it out to Chris. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Pick your poison. And then you need to say hi to Noah and Skunk properly.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153And to Prince Harry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Zach just rolled his eyes at the old joke, and suddenly Chris felt at home.<\/p>\n

They shared pizza and a messy mixed salad and a rather noble Montepulciano on the sofa, fighting off Noah and Skunk. (\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Ever since that \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcSide By Side\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 thing, the damn dogs are convinced pizza is pet food. I swear, Susan is a dog whisperer. She put them up to it. They never begged for pizza before, and now they do it all the time.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d) Harry, older and smaller and thinner than Chris remembered him, purred away on his lap like a little furry engine and didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind being \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Pined\u00e2\u20ac\u009d with morsels of mozzarella. This homely scene set the mood for their conversation, too. They talked small stuff. The fur-babies; how Harold had been sick. Chris\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s garden \u00e2\u20ac\u201c how he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d learned the hard way that to remove side-shoots from tomato plants is a good idea and what to do about mealybugs in his orange trees. Family and friends. The polar vortex. The solar panels Chris was having installed at his house.<\/p>\n

After they had dealt with the dishes and doled out some healthy treats to the pets, they settled on the couch again. The silence was warm and almost intimate. The kind of mood that led to ill-advised confessions.<\/p>\n

Perhaps that was the reason why Chris blurted, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I stole a notebook. By mistake. From a fan. At the Ryan premiere in London.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153How can you steal something by mistake?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach raised his eyebrows suggestively. As if he was waiting for the punch line of the joke and fully expected it to be lewd.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not like that, asshole.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Chris punched Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I said premiere, Zach. Brouhaha.<\/i> Chaos, bedlam, pandemonium. I sign the notebook. My publicist yanks at me. A security guy shoves at me. And the next thing I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s early morning in L.A. and I still have that damn notebook.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

He groped for his jacket. And yeah, it was probably a little strange \u00e2\u20ac\u201c okay, maybe even a lot strange \u00e2\u20ac\u201c how he had taken to carrying that notebook around with him wherever he went.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think it belongs to a Star Trek fan. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s some incomprehensible computer stuff and some very strange quotes inside. Actually, I was wondering if you recognize this one.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He opened the notebook at the page with the shadow quote. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153For some reason I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get it out of my mind.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Zach frowned at Chris. Then he frowned at the quote.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Jung,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach announced promptly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153From \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcTwo Essays on Analytical Psychology\u00e2\u20ac\u2122. Jung says that while the logical opposite of love is hate, the psychological opposite is will to power. Depending on your nature, you need the one or the other for balance. His concept of the Shadow that exists within each of us is really interesting. I think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d totally dig that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He ran his hand through his hair. Freshly washed after the show and left unstyled for once, it was a beautiful mess by now, all soft and tousled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But how do you get from Jung to Star Trek?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Chris blinked. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So you really meant it at that AMA thing, when you wrote you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be a shrink if you hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t become an actor?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You read Reddit <\/i>for me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach asked, incredulous. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s …<\/i> kind of sweet.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Heat rushed into Chris\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cheeks, and one look at Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s twinkling eyes told him that he was flushing like a teenager in the throes of a crush. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nrgh,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/i> he groaned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My publicist has an intern. The boy needs to be kept out of mischief. I was just doing my civic duty, is all.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

He turned the page. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The Star Trek I got from this.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He pointed at the comment about mind melds. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Though it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to go well with the bits of Carver here.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Carver, is it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach raised an eyebrow \u00c3\u00a0 la Spock. Or maybe \u00c3\u00a0 la Zach. His eyebrow game was a bit like the chicken\/egg dilemma. And watching Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face like that did funny things to Chris\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stomach. A different effect from mere months ago. Stronger. Kind of desperate.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d do it, you know,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Chris admitted, staring intently at the fan\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s comment near the bottom of the page. He swallowed hard. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d pick mind melds, too. If, you know, Trek was for real. All that bonding stuff. That uh…<\/i> that intensity of connection.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Zach stayed silent just a moment too long for his facetious reply to be effective in delivery. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tsk tsk, Christopher.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He even wagged his index finger at Chris. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Have you been watching \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcAmok Time\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 again? You know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not supposed to watch that on your own.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Chris almost whined \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t there,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d although he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t watched or even thought of the episode in ages.<\/p>\n

When he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say anything, Zach reached out and flipped to the following page. For a heartbeat, Chris wondered if Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand was really shaking or if he was imagining things. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s from a song. Home. \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcHome is wherever I’m with you.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/i> By Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a good song,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach said softly.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I miss you too much.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/i><\/p>\n

Fuck, why couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he keep his stupid mouth shut? If he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been blushing before, he should have been burning up now. Instead, Chris shivered. He turned to the next page and froze. Without blinking, he stared at the text in front of him. Until his contacts felt dry. Then he did blink, violently, before focusing on the notebook again. He hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t read that far yet. The left side was blank again. The lines on the next page could have been a poem, if not for the fact that he recognized two phrases.<\/p>\n

\n

entering orbit<\/b>
so wise we grow<\/b>
strive seek find yield<\/b>
post tenebras lux<\/b><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No idea about entering orbit and the Latin stuff at the end there, but \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcso wise we grow\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/i> is from Alexander Pope.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He did his best to ignore Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s warmth at his side, and the subtle woodsy scent of that pretentious pheromonic perfume Zach loved so much. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153<\/i>We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/i> Chris quoted, feeling more unwise than ever before. And that was saying something.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think I can help you with \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcthe Latin stuff at the end\u00e2\u20ac\u2122,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach said, as if he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t heard Chris\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s outburst over the song lyrics. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It means \u00e2\u20ac\u02dclight after darkness\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/i>. In the Vulgate \u00e2\u20ac\u201c that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a fourth century version of the Bible \u00e2\u20ac\u201c the phrase shows up as \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcpost tenebras spero lucem\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 <\/i>in Job. After darkness, I hope for light.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He drank the rest of his wine and turned to look at Chris, his gaze too intense, his mouth Montepulciano red. Damn it, hearing Zach speak Latin shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t affect his dick like that. Nothing short of an overdose with Viagra should have that particular effect. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That motto is also inscribed on the first editions of Cervantes\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Don Quixote,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach added.<\/p>\n

Attacking windmills at sunrise<\/i>, Chris thought. Might be a nice painting, at that. <\/i>Actually, he almost felt as if he was tilting at windmills right now. Or at least fighting something much bigger and stronger than he was. For quite some time, already. For far too long, already. And without any discernible effect. But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how to give up. Kind of Kobayashi Maru: How to win when you lose?<\/i> His heart was pounding. His pulse was throbbing in his ears, and in other parts of his body as well. He was dizzy, and the one bottle of wine they had shared so far had nothing to do with that.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153And then there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Tennyson\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcUlysses\u00e2\u20ac\u2122, only not. Strive seek find yield.<\/i>\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He almost didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t recognize his voice \u00e2\u20ac\u201c kind of rough, all sorts of desperate. He looked up again and met Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gaze. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Icarus then,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said and swallowed hard. It hurt.<\/i> But he was all out of damns to give. He took a deep, shuddering breath, and wondered if that was how Icarus had felt, his wings burned to a crunchy crisp, plunging into the dark, dark sea far below.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Chris swallowed again, closed the notebook, and carefully put it on the coffee table. Now his<\/i> hands were shaking, too. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I yield.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Chris.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach sounded almost angry. No. Scratch that. Not almost angry. Really<\/i> angry. And oh yes, desperate, too. Fighting some imaginary giants or sliding toward an abyss of his own, perhaps. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do that. You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just show up here, unannounced, and say things like that. And you definitely can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t look at me like that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Like what?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Chris asked.<\/p>\n

But he tried not to stare at Zach as he thought of that particular interview. Of how he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d read Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s description of his eyes. C<\/i>erulean; Bombay Sapphire; the deep end of the pool. <\/i>Of how he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d read it a second time. And a third time. No lover had ever looked at him like that. He thought of that stupid song still stuck in his head. Home is wherever I’m with you.<\/i> He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never felt at home with anyone before.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a good swimmer, Zachary.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153The boxes in my hallway would indicate that I rather suck at swimming,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Zach objected. But he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sound angry anymore. Drained, maybe. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He gestured randomly, a last ditch attempt at deflection. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No matter what those stalkers at that website are saying.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not gay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Chris agreed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m pretty sure I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not straight, either.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Zach lowered his gaze to Chris\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s erection. He had the grace to blush. A little, at least. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, I guess I can see that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Goddamn it, Zach.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/i><\/p>\n

Chris wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t surprised when Zach put his hand around the back of Chris\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s neck in a possessive gesture. Zach always touched him that way. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d done so from the start. There were photos to prove it. And Chris had always liked that. Liked it a little too much.<\/p>\n

Then, finally, fucking finally<\/i>, Zach kissed him. Lips and teeth and tongue, as if he were drowning, as if he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wait to go under. Chris let himself sink into the kiss, into the taste of wine and Zach. Each touch of their tongues, each almost-but-not-quite painful nip at his lips sent sparks shooting through his body, right into his groin.<\/p>\n

An eternity or mere minutes later, Chris was on his back on the sofa, and Zach was on top of him. Right.<\/i> He knew that. He knew Zach was a top. And it was almost scary how much he wanted that. Needed it. To be pinned down like that, to feel Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s dick pressed against his, hot and hard even through those slinky skinny jeans. Chris was out of his damn mind with need<\/i>. With a craving that didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t qualify as regular desire anymore. It went too deep. It was too intense. After a build-up of seven fucking<\/i> years. Yeah, de Nile was a wide, wide river.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Need you, need you, need you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Chris whimpered and pushed himself against Zach, hoping that after seven years of foreplay he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d last seven minutes. Or heck, at least seven seconds.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Chris, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re crazy.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d But in spite of the insult, Zach clutched Chris like he was the only thing that kept him afloat, kissed him as if this was the only way Zach could stay breathing.<\/p>\n

\n

Author\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Notes<\/b><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u00a2 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Entering Orbit\u00e2\u20ac\u009d refers to the story with the same title by museaway<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u00a2 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So Wise We Grow\u00e2\u20ac\u009d refers to the story with the same title by Deastar<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u00a2 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153strive seek find yield\u00e2\u20ac\u009d refers to the story with the same title by waldorph<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u00a2 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153post tenebras lux\u00e2\u20ac\u009d refers to the story with the same title by jouissant<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Those are all fabulous stories. Go read them and leave the authors some Kudos and comment love!<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00ab<\/a> \u00e2\u2122\u00a5 \u00c2\u00bb<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Song for this chapter: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Icarus\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Bastille) Icarus When they entered Zach\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s flat, what Chris noticed first wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the dogs swarming them but a stack of moving boxes, each of them neatly labeled with a name he recognized from various sources. … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":194,"featured_media":0,"parent":10872,"menu_order":5,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"chapter.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-10936","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/10936","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/194"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10936"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/10936\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10945,"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/10936\/revisions\/10945"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/10872"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/juno-magic.fancrone.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10936"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}