Jim pressed his right hand against the middle of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body, over his heart. A flurry of palpitations thudded against his palm.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are scared,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said softly.<\/p>\n
Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyebrows pressed low over wide, black eyes. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I am\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know<\/i> you do feel,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim interrupted him. His own heart was pounding, too. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Emotional transference, remember? When other-you melded with me, I could sense what he was feeling.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That is not what I wanted to say.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock minutely shook his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I will not forget what experience of the Vulcan mind you possess,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he added, sounding just a little bitchy. Spock, jealous? Of himself?<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Then what?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Instinctively, Jim moved another inch closer. That close, he could see Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tension even more clearly. Around his eyes, in his lips.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I am concerned,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/i>Spock emphasized, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153because Sybok is right. Our minds are \u00e2\u20ac\u201c shockingly compatible.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He lowered his gaze to Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand. A hint of green tinged his cheeks.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Is that how you could take my fear when I died, even through the glass?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim asked. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like thinking of his death; he disliked talking about it even more. He sensed that Spock shared that aversion. But Sybok and Guinan were both right. If they wanted to get anywhere with each other, they had to talk, and there had to be honesty between them, no matter how emotional or awkward.<\/p>\n
Spock blinked, fiercely enough that Jim caught a glimpse of his inner eye lid. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I did not,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he whispered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I could not. A fact that has caused me \u00e2\u20ac\u201c pain.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock shifted on his feet, a hint of movement that brought him even closer to Jim, allowed their foreheads to touch, skin to skin. Jim inhaled. The skin contact, limited though it was, created an almost electric surge of tension between them. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not all of it, no. But the moment our hands … even though we couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t touch … it was not so bad then,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim insisted. That had been a different kind of bad \u00e2\u20ac\u201c Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand, so close, but out of reach. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mention it before.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He swallowed hard and drew back, meeting Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Bones reckons that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what made you lose control so badly.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock frowned, such a clear sign of distress that Jim was on the verge of simply pulling him into his arms then and there. It was difficult to remember that Spock would hardly find a hug comforting. Would that change once they were Bonded?<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Perhaps, perhaps not,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said, abandoning any attempt at Vulcan precision. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I confess I do not recall much of those hours. I remember your hand. After that, there is a haze \u00e2\u20ac\u201c until Nyota caught up with me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shock,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said, as matter-of-factly as he could. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s normal.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not for a Vulcan.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim wanted to kiss Spock. He wanted to fuck that terrible, haunted expression from his face until he was caught in a very different kind of haze, post-coital and blissful. Instead he forced himself to take a deep breath and walk over to the living area of his cabin. With a grimace, he sat on the couch and turned to the side so that his erection would not be as visible. He was determined to give Spock the space he needed to regain his tattered control. There was still a shitload of awkward topics they needed to discuss …<\/p>\n
To his surprise, Spock not only followed him but settled down at his side, almost, but not quite touching. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I am drawn to you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he admitted. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Due to your restoration, your mind has become sensitive far beyond human norms. Even from a distance I am aware of you now, of your mind reaching out to me. If you touched my skin you might be able to sense my mental state as well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Seriously?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim knew he should be, to use one of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s favorite words, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153concerned\u00e2\u20ac\u009d. But he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Kind of cool.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
That got him a raised eyebrow. Jim chuckled \u00e2\u20ac\u201c hey, at least that meant Spock wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t freaking out quite as badly anymore. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Arousal seems to increase the effect,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock added, as calmly as if he was commenting on the proper seasoning for plomeek<\/i> soup.<\/p>\n
Urgh. Awkward. Well, you knew it would be<\/i>, Jim reminded himself. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You tend to have that effect on me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Since Spock wanted physical proximity for once, he offered his left hand, palm-up. Jim knew that touching each other\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands could be a form of intimacy among Vulcans. But it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to be \u00e2\u20ac\u201c Vulcans used their unprotected hands in everyday life as much as most other humanoids. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So, talk to me about Bonding and about pon farr<\/i>.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock placed his right hand over Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s left, lacing their fingers. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What you feel between us is the potential to form an intimate Bond, such as the Bond that married couples share. A monogamous, life-long commitment.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d His tone was neutral. His words held no insinuation that this concept wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t compatible with one James T. Kirk to start with. Perhaps his eyes betrayed a hint of wariness.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You do know that I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t had sex with anyone since those three times in the hospital with that nurse?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim asked. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And that was just\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Doctor McCoy took it upon himself to attempt an explanation,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He told me that you … needed to feel alive.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim winced. More awkward.<\/i> The sex had been good, the effect sort of what Bones had told Spock. But something about the encounter had been … off. Wrong, somehow. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153A telepathic Bond for life?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Before his own death, the implication would have been lost on Jim. Now it drove the air from his lungs. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Spock … does that mean what I think it means?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop himself. Shock made the words tumble out of him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Does that mean there shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have been … any <\/i>survivors, after Vulcan?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock closed his fingers around Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Again your conclusions are almost too astute.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Vulcans didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sigh, or so Spock kept insisting. The way he inhaled now was close, though. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The answer, Jim, is both yes and no. Not every survivor was mated. Also, while it is correct that there is a strong compulsion, for most Bonded couples it is a choice<\/i> to follow their partner into death. It is not an uncommon practice, but by no means ubiquitous. After the destruction of Vulcan, most survivors \u00e2\u20ac\u201c my father among them \u00e2\u20ac\u201c chose to eschew that option. The needs of the many outweigh the demands of individual grief.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Tushah nash-veh k\u00e2\u20ac\u2122du,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/i>Jim whispered. I grieve with thee. <\/i>Another thought occurred to him. Before, he might have gotten mad at Spock. Never mind that it was idiotic to apply human standards to Vulcan \u00e2\u20ac\u201c what even? Their telepathic Bonds were more than a cultural thing. To Vulcan biology, <\/i>then. Now, although he was nauseated with shame at his instinctive reaction to Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s intentions, he was too selfish. Too weak not to want what Spock was offering. Not to be alone in his mind, next time.<\/i> He swallowed hard. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re up to with Sulu and Leslie, aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153To have a perfectly qualified secondary command team is only logical on a five-year mission.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim laughed. Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s plan was so fucked-up it didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even compute for him, with his human outlook on the universe. Not to mention pessimistic as hell. At the same time, Jim couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t suppress the devastating relief that swelled up inside him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But that is where you draw the line, isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he asked. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The limit of what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re willing to do for the needs of the many.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have never been able to live up to Vulcan ideals. I am overly emotional and selfish,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock replied. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And I find that with you, there is no logic.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Same here.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim smiled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not even trying. Also, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
He hesitated. What he was about to say, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never said to anyone before. The last time someone had even tried to say those words to him, well, that had been Gaila. Wow, had that been weird, and awkward, in a bad way. But looking into Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes, holding Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand, it was different. Everything was different with Spock.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m in love with you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s kind of supposed to be illogical for a Human.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t reply, but Jim didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t expect him to. Their conversation had to be so far beyond the limits of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s emotional tolerance, it was something of a miracle he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t cowering in a corner, twitching, having a perfectly logical nervous breakdown.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said at last. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s talk about pon farr<\/i> and then go to bed. Because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m done in. And I get that there won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be any action before we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re Bonded, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d still prefer to spend the night with you. If that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not asking too much, that is. Which I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d totally accept\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh \u00e2\u20ac\u201c okay. Forget I asked\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes,<\/i> I would prefer to spend the night together,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said, lightly squeezing Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Even though you are right \u00e2\u20ac\u201c again. Before we are Bonded it would be … difficult for me to do anything more than what we have already done.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d One of these days, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get better at the subtleties of an intimate interspecies relationship<\/i>, Jim promised himself. He kind of hoped that a telepathic Vulcan Bond would help with that. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d A deep breath. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really in the mood to talk about mating cycles right now, but he was pretty sure it was better to get that particular discussion over with ASAP. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Pon farr.<\/i> I think there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stuff about that in the medical database, protected with hand-crafted encryptions by your older self that are a thing of beauty, by the way. Sybok said it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a mating cycle. Does that mean Vulcans go into heat like …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He trailed off. No. No animal comparisons. Not going there.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153To quote one of your favorite phrases: \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcSomething like that.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim would have appreciated the joke if Spock hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let go of Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand, if he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t moved away to sit stiffly on the edge of the couch, tension visible in every muscle. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It is a cultural taboo,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said without looking at Jim. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153A time of madness that strips away our logic, renders us violent and incapable of speech. Indeed, very much like feral beasts in heat. We must mate or die. The scientists who created me attempted to spare me from that affliction, but I have since been informed by my older self that ultimately, they failed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Whoa, there.\u00e2\u20ac\u0153 Jim scooted forward on the sofa. For a second he hesitated, before he followed his instinct. He was a touchy-feely human being. Spock knew that. If Spock couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deal with that, they had a worse problem than pon farr<\/i>. So he slung his arm around Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s back and pulled him to his side, hard. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153None of that. I get it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s different when it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s you, but … Spock? Procreation makes most species in the universe look pretty damn silly. No need to be embarrassed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t pull away again, at least. But he stiffened even more. He sat frozen, nearly paralyzed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It is illogical to be embarrassed about biological functions,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he stated, calm and cool. But his nostrils flared. Jim was used to interpreting the tiniest clues by now, in his on-going efforts to make sense of whatever was going on inside Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mind. So he had an inkling of how upset Spock was, never mind what he sounded like.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You told me that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re afraid you might enjoy<\/i> losing control,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said slowly and frowned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you must know that I<\/i> don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind that at all. I like risky, rough sex just fine, cutting loose and going crazy. But that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not it, isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it? You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re terrified<\/i>. Why?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jim, even in the safety of Vulcan-that-was, with the structure of rites so ancient they have become biologically<\/i> ingrained in our species, even with healers and helpers ready to intervene at once, pon farr<\/i> has always remained dangerous,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock explained, his voice flat and expressionless. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Even Bondmates whose minds have been attuned to each other since childhood do not always survive. The risk is exponentially higher for homosexual partners. Even a Bonded male will be instinctively considered a challenger at first. I could kill you before I even realized who you are.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said firmly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153One, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a damn good sub if I want to be. I promise you won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mistake me for a challenger. Two, your older self. I know old Spock won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell us shit, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s probably even right not to. But … the fact that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s here, old as he is? Doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that already prove that you cannot kill anyone during pon farr<\/i>? And three, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t discount pure dumb luck. Sometimes things don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go wrong just because they could. And last but not least? We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been over how I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not ever going to let you die before. So there.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jim.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Now Spock sighed for real, a shockingly human sound. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You have no idea what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking about.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim wrapped both arms around Spock. He pressed his lips against Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s temple. First a kiss. Then a truth. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he admitted frankly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But neither do you. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never experienced pon farr<\/i>. And …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim sucked in a deep breath. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Forgive me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he whispered, his lips fluttering over Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s skin. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I am not saying this to hurt you. But \u00e2\u20ac\u201c your mother? She must have survived it. And uh…<\/i> I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure she was one hell of a woman, but … Spock, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not exactly made of glass. Especially not after whatever Khan\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s blood did to me. Your mom<\/i> made it. She survived pon farr<\/i>. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be fine.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
To Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shock and surprise, Spock leaned against him. He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shaking, but it was close. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My mother defied the most iron-clad tenets of our culture,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock murmured against Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s shoulder, not much more than a hoarse, painful whisper. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153She told me not to be afraid. She said she cherished<\/i> the Time. I was ashamed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim had no idea what to say. Except perhaps \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jesus\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153shit\u00e2\u20ac\u009d. Not helpful.<\/i> Instead, he held Spock. When he realized that he was close to falling asleep, he nudged Spock. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel so bad about it all,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said in a last ditch effort to pull thoughts and feelings into coherent sentences as gently as he could. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153For a human teenager, the very idea that your parents have sex is mortifying. I know, illogical. But that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s how Humans work. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s normal <\/i>for us. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not ashamed of your mom now, are you? So why not believe her? How about you trust your older self? And perhaps even you and me? Just a little bit? We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be fine. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll Bond. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get used to each other. You won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ever mistake me for a challenger when your Time comes. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be fine.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6<\/p>\n
Jim stared at the text on his PADD, at the message that would be sent to Bones\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s private comm line once he and Spock were on shore leave in the desert of Arrakis.<\/p>\n
To leave Bones a note was both cowardly and a sign of trust. Cowardly, because it was what a kid would do if he already knew that what he was up to \u00e2\u20ac\u201c sneaking out of the house to have sex \u00e2\u20ac\u201c was wrong. It was also a sign of trust because Bones was the one person on the Enterprise who could stop them. Perhaps Bones even should.<\/p>\n
For a Vulcan it might be rational to make plans for following his prospective Bondmate into death. After all, that was a normal biological impulse for his species and a culturally accepted practice. Jim, however, couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t justify his ready acceptance of the premise that way.<\/p>\n
And it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t about death \u00e2\u20ac\u201c what he shared with Spock, what he wanted with Spock. There were many levels to their relationship. They were a damn fine command team; their differences and similarities meshed perfectly. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d become the best of friends, shared meals, chess games and all. There was an almost inhuman level of sexual tension between them. Jim simultaneously smiled and winced at the memory of how his morning erection had affected Spock, who was still physically unable to reciprocate. So, yeah, many elements of a healthy relationship. But … Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. There was an undercurrent of violence and death, too, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be a fool to ignore that. Taking into account how they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d first met, the circumstances that had made them realize that friendship was not enough, and the threat of pon farr<\/i>, maybe that was inevitable. Maybe it was enough to acknowledge those facts. It had to be, because he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d made his decision long ago.<\/p>\n
With a sigh, Jim switched off the PADD. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think Bones would attempt to stop them or declare them unfit for command. He also knew that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153angry\u00e2\u20ac\u009d wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even begin to cover Bones\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reaction.<\/p>\n
Jim picked up his backpack and went to meet Spock in the transporter room. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d beam down to Sietch Jacurutu. From there, Sybok would take them out into the desert on a sandworm, far away from any disturbance, from any interfering brainwaves. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d Bond, and they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have sex. Bond and sex and pon farr<\/i>: quite a bit of a chicken\/egg paradox right there, with a bit of burnt omelet thrown in for fun. Sex strengthened the Bond that would keep the partners safe during pon farr<\/i>, which in turn strengthened the Bond (to the point that the death of one mate could mean the death of the other). What came first? <\/i>Jim wondered. Pon farr or the mating Bond? <\/i>He grinned at Spock and stepped up on the transporter platform. Main thing, we get to have sex. Finally.<\/i><\/p>\n
Bones had come to see them off. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You could at least pretend you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to enjoy yourself, Mr. Spock,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said gruffly and frowned at Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s solemn expression. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not that I understand how riding a sandworm can be anyone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s idea of fun.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Now he scowled at Jim.<\/p>\n
Jim laughed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fun! Like space jumps are fun. Or a workout with Klingons. It will be awesome. Next time you have to come with us.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Bones shook his head in horror. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mr. Spock, please bring the captain back in one piece. The Enterprise needs him.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock inclined his head. Jim noticed how his eyebrows tightened. He wanted to squeeze his hand and tell him not to worry. But of course he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It will be awesome,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he repeated. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be back in three days. Relaxed and de-stressed, just the way you ordered. And until then Sulu and Leslie can put in some command team practice. Win-win all around.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, right,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Bones muttered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Now off with you. And don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t forget the damn sunscreen, Jim.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6<\/p>\n
Sybok had granted them permission to beam directly into Sietch Jacurutu. In consequence, Spock expected that Sybok would be waiting for them when they arrived in the entrance hall of his sietch. He was not disappointed and nodded a greeting.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153A word before we leave,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok requested. Without waiting for an answer, he turned and led them down the corridor beyond the hall and into his private office.<\/p>\n
There, his brother picked up a small package from the table and turned to the captain. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have a gift for you. Jim must take it before the Bonding. A phial of Water of Life.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim paled and swallowed hard. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a good idea, Sybok,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That stuff \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Spice, only a thousand times more potent. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve … I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve taken Spice before. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t handle it well.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Hazel eyes wide and dark, Jim met Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gaze. Spock thought he could detect fear, and shame. The addictions and tragedies of his chosen partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s past troubled him. There was still so much they didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know about each other.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I understand,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok said, although Spock failed to discern how he could arrive at that assessment rationally. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But it is necessary. You must take it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I do not see the logic in risking a relapse into addiction, brother,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock objected, uncomfortably reminded of his attempt at a human joke pertaining to Sybok\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s choice of planetary residence. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153As a Human he is incapable of regulating the effects of awareness spectrum narcotics on his dopamine system.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know that, Spock,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok replied impatiently. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you are Vulcan. Once the Bond is established you should have no problem controlling any adverse effects.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That may be true,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock agreed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But why take that risk? I believe it is well within my power to establish a Bond without the aid of psychoactive substances.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim frowned. Apparently, it hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t occurred to him so far that Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hybrid state might affect procedures. Spock was 97% certain that would not be the case. In spite of his problems with emotional control, he had always been a particularly strong and versatile telepath.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That is true,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok confirmed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you do not possess the information I have access to.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do tell.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s curt request told Spock that he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t appreciate Sybok\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s behavior either.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Have you heard what the Fremen call me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok asked.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Lisan al-Gaib,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/i>Jim replied, irritated. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So what? You told us you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not a messiah. Having second thoughts, or what?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock felt cold; an uncontrollable physical response to emotional stimuli. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Kwisatz Haderach,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/i>he said, concentrating on the Fremen word and the associated mythology. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The shortening of the way. A mind capable of unlocking genetic memory and achieving a state of prescient telepathy with the aid of neutralized worm bile.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153And more than that,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok agreed, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153if the mind in question is a Vulcan mind. Or at least in my case.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Provided with sufficient data, even computers can predict the likelihood of certain outcomes within a linear projection of time, albeit with limited scope and statistical validity. However, under the influence of Water of Life, I am able to discern not just one timestream but many, not just one universe but many.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Have you seen the older Spock?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim interrupted. Spock did not wince; his control was better than that. Once again Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ability to cut to the quick purely by instinct baffled him.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Indeed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok nodded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He is one of the reasons why I know that the two of you will need the most resilient Bond you can form. Spice will activate your latent psionic potential, Jim. With the assistance of the drug, you can create an active Bond that will be as strong as the closest connection formed between the warrior-lovers of Vulcan myths, if not stronger. I have seen your past and your future. Not just once, but dozens of times. You must <\/i>use the drug.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock could not suppress the instinctive revulsion his brother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s words elicited in him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153This is most disturbing,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. With difficulty he managed to set aside his fear, his horror at loss of control, the agonizing helplessness faced with\u00e2\u20ac\u201d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Our father once told me that I am capable of choosing my own destiny. Your words imply the rule of determinism as opposed to that of free will.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok countered, almost gentle now. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The basic assumption of quantum cosmology always holds true as far as I have been able to detect: \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcEverything that can happen does happen, in equal and parallel universes.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/i> Everything is possible, always. You are, and always will be, the master of your own destiny, free to shape the potential of your time and your space.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok glanced at Jim. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Which is why I will not tell you more than I already have,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said wryly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Though I will not imply any universe-ending paradoxes \u00e2\u20ac\u201c if only because so far, I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t encountered any. However, foreknowledge has the curious effect of limiting your options. The more you know, the less choice is left. This gift is intended to have the opposite effect.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Suddenly Jim laughed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re cheating,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said, his eyes brightening with realization. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what this is all about. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re totally trying to cheat destiny, Sybok.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim turned to Spock and reached for his hands. Carefully, deliberately. The turmoil of his mind surged into Spock, although he detected a creditable and not entirely unsuccessful attempt on Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s part to focus, channel, and shield his thoughts and emotions, fears and desires. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Spock,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he begged, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153if this means we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have an ace up our sleeves next time we face certain death, then I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m for it. Please.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
To his astonishment, Spock realized that Jim did not intend to decide this matter on his own, in his typical impulsive and brash human manner, jumping in without looking. No, Jim truly wished for them to arrive at a decision together. Spock returned the pressure of his hands. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That you are here with me today as my Bondmate-to-be is proof that nothing is as certain as I once believed. If it is your wish that we should choose to use the drug, we will.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
With a sigh of relief, Jim let go of Spock and turned to Sybok. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Thank you. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll do it the way you suggested.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Abruptly, boyish excitement brightened his face. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to ride a sandworm now?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Sybok nodded. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Stilgar and the steersmen are in position beyond the drumsands. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll call a worm to ride, and we will take you out deep into the desert to an abandoned sietch. It is a sacred place, safe and isolated. A good place for a Bonding \u00e2\u20ac\u201c or a vacation.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6<\/p>\n
Thanks to the drumsands surrounding Sietch Jacurutu it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even necessary to use a thumper to call a worm. They just had to be fast enough to reach the next dune beyond the drumsand to safely mount the worm.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Most likely one of the smaller specimens from nearby Spice beds will follow the sounds of our steps,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It will be quite safe.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Nevertheless Spock insisted on carrying Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s backpack in addition to his own, so Jim would have more freedom of movement. Jim wanted to argue, but as Spock was still at least twice as strong as he was, he kept silent.<\/p>\n
Stilgar and the Fremen steersmen crouched beyond the flat stretch of drumsands, whiplike hook-staffs in their hands. These would be inserted between the ring segments of the approaching worm. To keep its sensitive interior away from the abrasive sands, the worm would not only stay above the earth but roll the opened segment as far away from the surface of the desert as possible. That way, strategically placed hooks could be used to steer a worm.<\/p>\n
They were halfway across the drumsands when Jim heard a distant hissing of whispering sand, the first audible sign of a worm\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s approach. Their timing was good. As soon as they reached the top of the sandy ridge where Stilgar and his Fremen were waiting, the worm rose from the valley between the dunes in front of him. Its circular mouth unfolded before them like the triangular petals of a giant flower. The smell of Spice dominated the air and made Jim cough. Above him, the massive flanks of the worm curved up like a moving wall, each segment of its body clearly outlined as it rushed past them.<\/p>\n
The Fremen leapt and placed the hooks, one, two, three. Stilgar, the last to go, reached out his hand for Jim with an iron grip and drew him up along the side of the worm. He kept a tight hold onto him until he was sure that Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s footing was secure. Sybok had inserted a hook of his own beyond the next segment, parallel to Stilgar\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. Effortlessly, he scaled the worm\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s side. Spock was right behind him, bounding up the worm as if there was nothing to it.<\/p>\n
The worm continued its rushing roll until they were exactly on top of it. Stilgar and Sybok added a few extra hooks. Ropes with leather handles were attached to them for riders to hold on to. The two steersmen went to work behind them. Soon the worm changed direction and began to move away from the sietch into the desert. The thrill of dominating the brute force of this giant creature, the rush of speed, the dizzying scent of Spice, Spock at his side \u00e2\u20ac\u201c Jim felt like the ruler of the desert. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t suppress an exultant shout as he grasped Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand in triumph. What a perfect beginning for their shore leave!<\/p>\n
At noon they reached their destination, a rocky outcropping deep in the desert with the ruins of an ancient sietch, far away from civilization and interfering minds, yet safely within reach of the transporter beams of the Enterprise. Spock had insisted on that as a precaution, just in case there was an emergency.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t forget to take my gift,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sybok shouted over the hissing of the worm\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s passage and pushed Jim toward Spock. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And now get down!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
They jumped. The sand rushed up to them in a blur. Before Jim could get his bearings, Spock was already dragging him to his feet and in the direction of the rocks. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Run,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he shouted. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Or we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get caught in the vortex.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Together they ran across the sand, stumbling, sliding, until they the sand gave way to the harder surface of rocks under their feet. Out of breath, his heart pounding, Jim collapsed on a boulder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Wow, what a ride.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock remained standing, not a hair out of place, as calm and solid as if he had beamed straight down from the Enterprise. But when Jim caught his gaze, his eyes were gleaming. Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat constricted and his pulse sped up again. A different kind of exhilaration began to course through his body.<\/p>\n
For the first time ever<\/i> they were really alone together, and away from it all, from the ship, the rules, the responsibility.<\/p>\n
Jim rose to his feet and walked up to Spock. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He smiled at the raised eyebrow. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What now?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I suggest we explore the area and set up our tent,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You also require sustenance as well as additional hydration.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not a plant,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim protested, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been over how I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not one of Sulu\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sensitive mimosas.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I am fully aware that you are human,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock replied, eyebrows drawing together in a hint of a frown. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Physical exertion takes a greater toll on you in this desert climate.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hmm,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim hummed, relenting. Spock had a point, especially since he was really, really looking forward to certain physical exertions. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay, you win. Lunch, then exploring, then setting up camp … and then …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He delicately brushed two fingers over Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand.<\/p>\n
Spock inhaled sharply. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I see you have been talking to Lieutenant Uhura.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim grinned, unrepentant and satisfied. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not only to Uhura. Your brother has been very helpful, too. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a shame that we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re too far away for spontaneous communications with New Vulcan, though.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jim, you would not\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
At that un-Vulcan outburst, Jim laughed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course I would! Who better to advise me on what gets you going than you yourself?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He pressed a quick, apologetic kiss on Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth. His lips were too beautiful and too close to resist. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I promise I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. I …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite sure what to say. Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s relationship with his older self was uneasy. It was probably going to take a while yet before old Spock could stop feeling guilty over his mistaken warning about Khan and until his Spock stopped blaming his older self. He leaned in closer, almost touching, but not quite. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t embarrass you knowingly,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he promised. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to worry him. But … if or when it is appropriate, I would like to let him know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He stared into his Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s dark eyes. The knowledge of the depth of pain Spock was capable of enduring echoed deep within him. A stark reminder how there was more to this shore leave than desert camping and sandworm riding.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Who else did you talk to?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock asked.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Full disclosure?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim smiled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s better with lunch.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Trailing his fingers over Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s arm, he linked their fingers. Hand in hand they walked deeper into the rocky cliffs and ruined walls until they found a shady spot with a breathtaking view of the desert.<\/p>\n
Jim pulled some containers and cans out of his backpack and arranged them on a convenient rock with a flourish. Spock he served a selection of nutritious salads, while he claimed a can of cold soup for himself. Noticing Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s questioning eyebrow, he wrinkled his nose. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think you want that explanation before lunch.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jim.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim shook his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Eat first. Because you are right about nutrition and hydration, and I am not sure I can eat once I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve explained, okay?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
That explanation sufficed, and they consumed their picnic in companionable silence. Once Jim had stowed away the empty containers again, he sighed in appreciation. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t half bad. Okay, so you want the sordid details. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s quite simple. I talked to your brother and M\u00e2\u20ac\u2122Benga. Your brother already knows about us, and M\u00e2\u20ac\u2122Benga will have to know sooner or later. Anyway, apparently it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s better for the Bond if I bottom.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He raked his fingers through his hair. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Establishing clear roles initially will help with pon farr<\/i> later on. Catch is, human beings don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have perfect control over their bodily functions unlike you guys, and a desert environment is not helpful in terms of hygiene. Plus we shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t return to civilization until the Bond is stable, which may take up to three days. So I had M\u00e2\u20ac\u2122Benga help me with preps. Which means I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m clean inside out now, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had a nice hypo that will slow down certain natural processes for the next three days to the point that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll uh…<\/i> stay nice and clean, provided I stick with non-solids.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Amused, Jim noticed how Spock was reduced to blinking owlishly. He reached out and touched two fingertips on the smooth, hot back of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Also, I know that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s silly human ideas talking, but … I want the first time to be good for you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock started. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I do not know what to say.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim smiled. Another first. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Silently, Spock shook his head. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I appreciate your consideration.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Good.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim stood. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s explore and set up camp. I want to get out of this stillsuit.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u2122\u00a6<\/p>\n
They soon discovered that the rock formations of their campsite were smaller than any other sietch they had visited. The cliffs didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t rise above the level of the surrounding dunes. The lines of the rocky slopes were much gentler than any others they had seen before, softened by erosion. Only a single, deep cave remained at the center of the highest cliffs. But this cave held an amazing secret in its depth: a small pool of Spice drenched water, about as big as one of the fancy Jacuzzis on the Enterprise.<\/p>\n
So that was the reason why this isolated spot was sacred for the Fremen. The water hole also explained the comparative abundance of vegetation, creosote and incense bushes, tunyon vine, onion and poverty grass. They saw desert hares and kangaroo mice, and once even a desert hawk, high above in the bright blue sky.<\/p>\n
They set up their tent near the entrance to the cave, in the shelter of the cliffs and the remnants of ancient walls. As far as they could tell, it was the shadiest spot around, and out of the wind. Jim wriggled out of his stillsuit. The activity always reminded him of extracting a Jim-shaped sausage out of a way too clingy skin. At least Bones wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t here to make fun of him. When he stood buck naked in front of Spock, he scrunched up his face. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Urgh, I feel gross. Those insulating membranes are awesome, but I still end up uh…<\/i> maybe not sweaty, but something not so nice. What do you think, we hit the pool? Or would you mind if I do? I get that you may not like water much.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock stood at the entrance of their tent. He was staring at Jim. While his face remained expressionless, his eyes were not. Spock appeared to be captivated by Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body, and Jim didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind at all. He merely wondered how he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d get Spock to return the favor.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I do, as a matter of fact, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcenjoy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 water in that I find it pleasing to behold, an agreeable beverage, and comfortable upon skin contact,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said mildly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The environment of my childhood has impressed upon me to regard it as both precious and exotic. My skin does not absorb moisture as efficiently as a full Vulcan\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, but the sensation is still … pleasurable. Also, though I do not normally sweat, there is no way to avoid dust in the desert. It would be beneficial to clean the areas of my body that have been exposed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I need to stop assuming,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim muttered, smiling, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153that just makes an ass out of me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d To follow up on that plan, he took another step forward, until he stood right in front of Spock. Although the tent was perfectly insulated, it was still hot inside. He hoped that Spock didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind a bit of human sweat. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So how do we go about this?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he asked softly. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Is there a ritual? Anything else I should know about?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153There are several rituals for van-lal t’telan<\/i>,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But they do not quite fit our case. The standard procedure is the kan-telan<\/i>, the Bonding between children with compatible minds. In Terran terminology that is more a betrothal than a marriage. The other rites lead up to koon-ut-kal-if-fee<\/i>, the formal marriage ceremony which is a part of pon farr<\/i>. A Bonding between adults outside of pon farr<\/i> is unusual, though not unheard of. It is … more than a betrothal, less than a marriage. There are no fixed rites.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to create our own ritual in that case,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim murmured, leaning in, once again physically drawn to Spock in a way he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite process. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Something that belongs only to us. I like that idea.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Your reasoning is sound,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock replied. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t draw back. Judging from the gleam in his eyes, he liked Jim standing so close and didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind that he was sweaty and naked. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153While the idea of a ritual belonging to particular individuals is foreign to Vulcan culture, I find that notion illogically appealing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Getting clean is a part of rituals all over the universe,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim mused. Spock was right. Not even Vulcans could escape dust in the desert. It coated his skin like fine powder. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So we can start with that. And then?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should take the drug my brother took it upon himself to provide,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I will meld our minds and create a permanent Bond between us. It will be beneficial if you are relaxed. There are rhythmic verbal devices to aid with the process. I will teach you the phrases.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sounds good to me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim wondered if orgasm was an appropriate method of achieving the required state of relaxation. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want their first intimate acts clouded by mind-altering drugs.<\/p>\n
On that thought he slid his hands under Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s uniform top. Naked skin, hot to the touch. Of course. On Arrakis, Spock could for once forego his customary long thermal underwear. And he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to mind Jim undressing him. First Jim pulled the uniform top up and over Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s head. He took the time to shake it out before folding it carefully and setting it aside. Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes widened at that uncharacteristic neatness, and Jim grinned. Then he reached up to smooth the Vulcan\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tousled, fine black hair. From the immaculate corner of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s logical bangs, Jim trailed the tips of his right index and middle fingers across his face and to his lips. Spock remained passive, but his eyes widened even more, pupils blown wide, to the point that the iris was virtually invisible.<\/p>\n
Oh yeah,<\/i> Jim thought. That works. <\/i>Humming under his breath, he drew back to take in the muscular chest, the green-tinged areolae, the generous black fuzz that condensed into a distinct pleasure trail further down. Curious, Jim ghosted his fingertips over Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s chest hair. Oh…<\/i> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Soft,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he murmured. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nice. Real nice.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d More like fur, the tiny hairs straight and silky instead of coarse and curly.<\/p>\n
With a cheeky grin, Jim knelt down. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shoes,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he ordered. To his surprise, Spock lifted first his right foot, and then his left to allow him to remove his boots. If Jim had attempted that maneuver, he would have lost his balance and made a fool of himself. Spock, however, remained perfectly poised. Reaching for the waistband of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s uniform pants, Jim looked up to meet Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes. Discomfiture over naked facts might be irrational, but that didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean Spock wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t experience any.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153All right?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim asked. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Little kids on Earth have a game: \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll show you mine if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll show me yours\u00e2\u20ac\u2122. Also, I should probably confess that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen pictures.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands hovered over Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s but he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop him or push him away. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Pictures?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Research,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim explained. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was curious and horny.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d In fact, he was more than half-hard now. Still curious, and extremely horny.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153… logical.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock inhaled and dropped his hands again.<\/p>\n
Jim pulled down the bottom of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s uniform, over legs that were both slender and muscular. As Spock stepped out of the pants, Jim couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help noticing that Vulcan feet were very pretty, too. Elegant, with long toes. Starting at Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ankles, Jim moved upwards again, fingertips only, the lightest touch he could manage.<\/p>\n
The picture, Jim discovered, had been accurate. Above large balls dusted with fuzz and closely attached to the body, a sheath protected the Vulcan penis. Green skin folds sheltered Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s dick. Sort of like petals surrounded by more of that silky black fur. Not unlike a human vulva, actually, though bigger and bulging outward, straining over the length within. Because it was not, in fact, completely withdrawn into the body. The opening of the sheath was just wide and long enough to expose a tantalizing length of smooth, green skin. Up close and personal and in 3D it was even nicer than the picture on his PADD.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Beautiful,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim sighed.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice sounded hoarse. When Jim raised his head, Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cheeks were flushed a bright green. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153… is illogical to consider reproductive organs in aesthetical terms.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim thought Spock meant to say that he was glad Jim liked looking at him. He smiled but kept any comments on erotic art to himself. (For the time being, anyway.)<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You said that without a Bond it is difficult for you to react to me sexually,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Does that mean it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s unpleasant when I touch you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t keep his hands to himself, just couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. Gently, he outlined the sheath with his index finger.<\/p>\n
Spock gasped, and his inner eyelid fluttered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not … unpleasant. Intense.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim pulled back. For a moment he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t move. His erection pulsed. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember the last time he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been that turned on. Much less the last time he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d needed and wanted to be that careful with a partner. Talk about torture. With a groan, he rose to his feet and gathered up a blanket, towels, a pull-out bucket from the standard survival kit, and a small bag packed with items that might come in handy.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alright,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said, turning back to Spock, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s go clean up.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Even deep inside the cave it was still hot, as hot as in the tent, if not quite as hot as out in the sunshine on the sand. Sweat seeped down Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s back. But in spite of the heat, the atmosphere in the cave was pleasant. The clean, spicy scent of water laced with Spice filled the air. A row of dim glowglobes followed the curve of the rocky pool. In their light the water glittered like liquid silver.<\/p>\n
Jim laid out the blanket and the towels. When he turned around, he was not surprised to see Spock scanning the water with a tricorder.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153The water is clean,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock announced. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Lightly laced with Spice, but the dilution is such that it will have no more than a marginal effect even when ingested. The concentration is 40.6% that of Spice coffee, 20.3% of Spice beer.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He put the tricorder on the floor next to the blanket. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I suggest we employ the bucket for our ablutions so as to avoid contaminating the only water source for the local fauna and flora.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fine with me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said. He had an idea … Maybe he could assume a somewhat submissive role in spite of having to take the lead for now. Spock was clearly not unaffected even by the subtle caresses Jim had managed to sneak into the process of undressing him. It was also obvious that he was really unable to reciprocate, much less take the initiative. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Would you prefer to sit down or stand?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Beyond the pool the ground dipped further to the deepest part of the cave. There were also a few boulders that might work as seats, a meter or two from the water hole.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It would be inefficient to sit down.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim led Spock to the back of the pool. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How about standing here? Used water should drain off, and filter back into the pond through crevices in the rocks.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Spock stood motionless. The white light of the glowglobes illuminated the long, strong lines of his body with the perfection of a professional holographer\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s spotlights. Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s breath caught in his throat, and his cock throbbed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shit, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re gorgeous, do you know that?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wait for a reply. Instead he filled the bucket with water and opened the bag he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d brought with them. A sponge, and Vulcan spice soap. When Spock attempted to reach for it, Jim stopped him. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Let me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he murmured. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Let me be your … dvinsu<\/i>?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sure if that was the correct term. The connotation of submission was definitely there, but also the idea of simple domestic services.<\/p>\n
The way Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s breath hitched and his eyes darkened even more told him it was the right word. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a go,<\/i> he thought. Now I just need to keep myself from coming …<\/i> There was already a distinct edge of needy pain to his arousal. Not yet unpleasant, though.<\/p>\n
Jim dipped the sponge into the water and wrung it out well. First he wiped it across Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s high forehead, before he carefully cleaned the dust from his face, mindful not to get near his sensitive ears. Then he trailed Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s throat from his chin to the delicious hollow between his collarbones. Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s heart was pounding now. An echo of his heartbeat throbbed in his ears and in his cock. Under his fingertips Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pulse thrummed. Oh hell, yes.<\/i><\/p>\n
Chest and back next. A bit more water, firmer touches. Soap suds massaged into fine, fur-like chest hair. Fingertips pressed on green nipples, until Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyelids fluttered. A daring hand, gliding along the elegant line of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s spine, sliding down between the firm cheeks of his ass, stopping shy of his anus. More soap, more water. No words, just the sounds of ragged breathing, human and Vulcan. Arms next. But not the hands; he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d leave them for later. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d even brought a second sponge for that, softer and finer than the first. Jim didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t dare to use soap near the sheath. Gently he rubbed the wet sponge around Spock. Jim nearly came when the folds parted a little more, and Spock moaned, his hands opening and closing helplessly at his sides. Legs. At that point Spock slid down to sit on one of the rocks after all, as if his legs were about to give out. Kneeling to wash Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feet was risky. The friction of bending over was almost too much. Jim needed a moment before he could stand and refill the bucket. Although Spock had claimed that his skin was not as water-absorbent as a full Vulcan\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, combined with the desert heat no towels were necessary.<\/p>\n
When Jim returned, Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes were glued to Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s erection and the glistening smear of pre-cum at the tip. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fascinating, Mr. Spock, huh?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim teased, breathless and pleased.<\/p>\n
Spock swallowed hard. Once, twice. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Indeed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think we can move to the blanket for the rest,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim suggested.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Rest?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock blinked. God, he was stunning, flustered and enthralled like that.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Your hands,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim whispered drawing Spock to his feet. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I saved the best for last.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
When Spock had settled into a graceful cross-legged position on the blanket, Jim grasped his right wrist. Tenderly, he held Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand over the bucket. With his free hand, he pulled out the fresh sponge. One long, slender finger at a time he washed Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands. Such beautiful, elegant hands. Perfectly manicured nails with a distinct green hue. And soft, so incredibly soft. Softer than a girl\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands. Strong, too. He could sense Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s inhuman strength in the way his fingers twisted under Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ministrations. Spock was shaking by the time he slid the sponge over his middle finger.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Should I stop?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim looked up, concerned.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153… no …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock frowned in concentration to be able to reply at all. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153… just … intense<\/i> …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
To see Spock like this \u00e2\u20ac\u201c naked, shuddering, his penis even more visible than before, a little out of control already \u00e2\u20ac\u201c Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s breath hitched. He was nearly undone with the raw beauty of the scene.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Love you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he whispered. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Love you so much.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
He put the bucket aside and knelt in front of Spock. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How do you feel about making me come? Just with your hands.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153There is a strong compulsion to touch you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock admitted. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153An almost painful urgency … a bizarre desire to taste you. I am familiar with the theory of human sexuality, but to experience it myself is …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Reality is always different.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim drew Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s right hand up to his mouth, until his fingers grazed Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lips. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m all yours. Anything you want. Just ask. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll tell you what feels good for me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Jim stretched out on his back on the blanket. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t last long, though,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he warned. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Washing you, that was like the foreplay to end all foreplays.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Based on my research your control is better than that of …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock bent over Jim. Hot fingertips stroked his hips, moving toward his erection. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153… 77.8% of Human males of your age and constitution.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just 77.8%?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim was surprised he could still speak. His surroundings were fast dissolving into a haze of desire now that he allowed himself to concentrate on his arousal and the sensations of Spock touching him.<\/p>\n
Spock placed soft palms over Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s penis, at first as if measuring length and width, then pressing down to assess the density of his flesh. Vulcan heat combined with such deliberate pressure drove Jim beyond words right into the realm of moans.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Ahh,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock sighed, apparently satisfied with the reaction. After a moment\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hesitation, he wrapped long, strong fingers around Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s dick. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I recall that friction is most pleasurable in this state of arousal.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Either he was a natural, or it took Vulcans only three tries to become experts at hand jobs. Either that, or emotional transference extended to sexual situations in ways Jim couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have imagined. Jim closed his eyes and gave himself up to Spock, to soft hands, strong touches, and gentle exhalations on tender skin.<\/p>\n
When he knew he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t last more than seconds, he opened his eyes again. He met Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gaze. Those blazing black eyes, hyper-expressive, focused on the task at hand. And those hands \u00e2\u20ac\u201c their tight, nearly scorching friction made Jim shudder. Pressure gripped his balls, almost too much to enjoy. Balanced between tension and release, Jim gasped for breath. A fraction of a second later, he arched against Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s touch with a hoarse scream. His orgasm surged through his body in a scalding wave of ecstasy, as he spilled over Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand and onto his stomach.<\/p>\n
Reluctantly Spock let go of him, trailing a gentle, curious finger over Jim\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s spent penis, even dipping into his come. Jim watched, silent, still beyond speaking. Relaxation didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even come close to describe this level of post-orgasmic bliss.<\/p>\n
Without a word, Spock reached for the bucket and the sponge and set about cleaning Jim up with careful, tender touches. Jim didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mind just lying there, allowing Spock the same chance to learn the details of his body he had enjoyed with Spock before. For long minutes Jim dozed, relishing the massage of soap and sponge and water and towel. Spock was nothing if not thorough. Much sooner than Jim would have thought possible, his cock stirred again, reacting to those sensible caresses with renewed interest. Jim inhaled a deep, shuddering breath. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been pretty sure that being with Spock would be all kinds of awesome. But given Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s biological and cultural limits, Jim had been unprepared for the intensity of this first encounter. And now … now he wanted more.<\/p>\n
Luckily he was not the only one. When Spock was done, he gazed at Jim with unveiled desire burning in his eyes. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you ready to move back to the tent now?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jim said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get much more relaxed than that. And I really want to feel your orgasm at some point today.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153As I wish to share myself with you, Jim,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Spock said softly.<\/p>\n
Hand in hand they made their way back to the tent, to conclude the makeshift Vulcan-Human ritual that would join their lives together as one and that would allow them to fully know each other\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mind and body.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6\u00e2\u2122\u00a6<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153How can one set these opposite states in harmony? There is only one way: through giving oneself completely. How does one give oneself? By forgetting the traumas of the past, and by not forming expectations about the future – in other words, the orgasm. How can one do this? Very simply: by not being afraid to err.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\u00e2\u20ac\u201c Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Opposite States In Harmony Stardate 2260.245, 0100 hours, Deck 5, Captain\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Cabin Jim pressed his right hand against the middle of Spock\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body, over his heart. A flurry of palpitations thudded against his palm. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are scared,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said softly. … Continue reading